I can’t take it! I just can’t deal with this anymore I just want to move away somewhere far away from them all. There is so much information so much of the sadness I can’t lay it out into words that make sense. Its like my brain is a ball of yarn that someone has dropped and tried to pick it up all at once. My head hurts, My heart hurts. I’m sick of these emotions running through my heart and mind. The worst part is. They don’t even know what they are doing, saying to me is affecting me so much. I feel so lost and broken and when I try to stand up for myself I just get thrown back down into a dark hole again. I thought I was cured, fixed. I was happy for a short while smiling laughing I was happy for the first time in months. Then it just shatters again into millions of pieces. Why? Why not take my side, why not look after me? Oh I know, because I’m the bad guy, I’m always wrong and you are always right. well no, This time I’m right and you’re wrong. People need to understand how much they can hurt a person, the words they say, the looks they give. The smallest negative thing you can do to a person can completely break a person. You don’t know what their life is like or their history, If they have been bullied all their life. You should take into consideration of hey maybe this person is dealing with some stuff and maybe I should back off or be nicer to them. Then there is the liars that say your a liar. They twist the words you say or what you do to suit them, they only remember the bad stuff never the good things. They just want to blame you for everything. I’m tired. Tired of trying, I don’t want you in my life anymore. You don’t deserve to be my life, you don’t deserve to be my friend your a bad, mean person who does nothing but want to make my life miserable. Do you even care? Why are you like this? why are you so rude, mean and horrible for? do you have no heart? or maybe you do and its frosted over by ice giants. I just want you away from me, and I will. One day you will regret being so horrible to me. You will look back and feel sad. I want to move on, and people tell you too, but its much harder than said… but I will get there eventually….
Something that annoys me alot is when I rock up to work, tafe or just in general public and someone goes.. wow you look tired partying to hard last night that’s what will happen to you. No. I hate it when people say that.. I dont drink, party or go clubbing.. never have and never will.. if I look tired or exhausted its because I was up late studying, painting, watching my favorite shows or playing my games.. but they get so crazy about it when you tell them that.. “what? Thats not what kids do these days all you do is party and what not” again no. Thats stereotyping and it annoys me. I care about my life, my art and my dreams.. why waste my hard earned money on clubbing and drinking when I could be using it for something greater for my life that has nothing to do with what other people do..
I’m tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of arguments. Tired of being bullied. Tired of getting excited and happy and then have that excitement shatter. I’m lonely, and yet I don’t want to be near anyone.. My doctor says its because I’m hurt, I have been hurt for a very long time, and its made me afraid. Afraid of getting close or interacting with anyone because I’m afraid that it will just get thrown back into my face. I miss my best friend, I miss my boyfriend. My boyfriend so much it hurts, every time something gets in our way of seeing each other its like a knife to the chest. I mean I do have friends, work friends, even some tafe friends.. But even though I’m surrounded by people I still feel so completely alone, as if I can’t relate to anyone and that it just doesn’t feel right.
The sadness is overwhelming, my chest hurts all the time its like an ache of wanting. I’m trying to be strong I feel connected to this world. Through my art mostly, but I need those certain people in my life. It hurts….
Okay, so I don’t have anything real bad against smokers, its your body and you are aloud to smoke if you want to, its your choice and I don’t really care what you choose. But it really annoys me when smokers smoke around public areas, like outside the doors of a shopping center or near the bins. Its rather annoying because, some people don’t smoke, some people have severe asthma and start choking up when around it. And plus, its really smelly.. but I didn’t choose to smoke or smell it, so why should I have to get up from my seat or walk 20m away from a public safe zone just to get away from the smoke. Like for example, at work I take the rubbish to the bins but I sometimes have to wait for the compactors to finish before loading them in, people sit right next to the door and smoke and it really starts to make you feel sick especially because I’m an asthmatic and my lungs just die, Its kinda unfair. All I request is that you stand further away from public areas. What If someone had an asthma attack right there in front of you smoking? How would you feel then? its just a bit of common courtesy I think, its just like when people spray aerosol deodorant in the toilets and when you go in next its just this overwhelming smell of sweet flowers that destroys your nostrils and lungs. Asthmatics are becoming more and more common in modern day society, and its mainly because of lack of exercise and growing pollution in the world. I feel fantastic when I’m out in the bush or at the beach the smell of fresh air, but as soon as I’m in town around cars you practically die. Anyway, this is my little rant for today, but again I say. Don’t HATE smokers, just saying its frustrating to do everyday tasks but having to struggle to breath.
Will post some art eventually too ;)
So I had this thought. People who hate tattoos tend to say to tattooed people “oh how ugly that is, and you will have it forever, natural skin is so much more beautiful!” I think that is the most horrible thing ever. As long you think the tattoo is nice and you love it, nothing else matters. But its when someone who is scarred. As in, survived cancer or was burnt in a fire or hurt from a mugger. They then tattooed OVER that horrible scar that brought back horrible memories, and people still say “ew thats so ugly!” you know its funny because if they would have seen the scar before the tattoo then they would have judged and gone ” omg look at that ugly scar” anyway. I’m not a big tattoo person, but I don’t hate them, I would get one or two little tattoos and that’s it, but I believe that a tattoo is a beautiful thing especially for those who are scarred.
My thought for the day
“Colour is fun, colour is just plain gorgeous, a gourmet meal for the eye, the window of the soul.” – Rachel Wolf.